I have forgiven some unforgivable sh*t.
There have only been three times in my life where I dealt with friendships falling out. In middle school, and twice in college. And each of those times, it was because the people I thought were my friends believed the LIES of someone they not only 1) knew was no good, and 2) should have known were not true.
I know healing is not at all linear, because I still can become just as angry as I was back when it happened when I think about the things people have falsely accused me of and cut me off for. I’ve had people come back to me and tell me the horrible things that people who I called my friends have said about me, and forgiven.
I’ve felt like the odd one out of a friend group plenty of times or not been treated so well by the others in the group, and forgiven. And yet the same grace that I extend to others, is never extended to me.
And I hate that the heartbreak I’ve experienced from these friendship fallouts, I feel, has permanently scarred my heart in a way that I won’t ever be able to recover from. Now I question everyone I meet and know. I feel like I have to be on guard at all times and watch what I say and who I say it to. I feel on the edge of depressive episodes when I see girls out with their friend groups going on trips or on group facetime calls, because I feel like I was robbed of that.
People who were my closest friends believed lies about me from people who they knew were malicious in character, or who they already knew were known for starting drama, or who they knew were bitter towards me for whatever reason.
And I’m not a perfect individual at all. But it hurts when I’ve poured so much into my friendships, usually more than what is poured into me, and yet I’m treated as easily disposable. I extend so much grace, show so much patience, to be easily thrown away. OR the things that I’ve been accused of or done, are the exact same things that other people have done to each other… except I guess it’s easier for me to be the bad guy.
Now I’m back to praying for the type of friend group that I once had, the friend group that I frequently see others enjoying. But I’m also praying that it’s not too late.
Friendships have never been easy for me because of the bullying I suffered growing up and all the times I’ve moved. And they always say the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. And I’m scared it’s true, because usually in your 20s people aren’t looking to make new friends. They’re usually celebrating the 5-10 year anniversaries of the friends they’ve had for a long time.
I have forgiven some unforgivable sh*t, and now I’m scared I’m suffering the irreversible price of it.
“Hopeful, but also Hopeless”
Welcome back to “Tell All Tuesday”! Thank you to those who have submitted rants and potential future posts. KEEP THEM COMING!! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I am so excited with the direction this series is going in! Stay tuned on Friday for our regularly scheduled poetry post, and then again next Tuesday for another “Tell All”. I have created a drop down menu on the home page for easy navigation to posts!
Drop a comment below if you can relate to the reader’s frustration and let’s spread some positivity if possible 🙂
Have a fantastic week, Real Unfiltered Fam!